How to Save the Euro(zone)

in four words: slay the vampire squid.

That’s squid, plural. Not just the biggest and nastiest of them, the one for whom the metaphor was coined, but the whole parasitic shoal.

What? We all nearly died when we accidentally killed one of them in 2008! We need the vampire squid.  We depend on their tentacled bloodsucking embrace.

No we don’t. We only think we do because they have sucked out so much of our blood.

What’s that got to do with the Eurozone?

Because it’s the squid that are screwing it up. The squid and their brood of zombie vampires inside government.  Screwing it up for us all. The Greeks this time; but our turn will come.

But we’re not even in the Eurozone!

We’ve got the same shit though. Not enough money at the end of the week. Too many people without work. Too many people without hope. And that’s before the cuts really start. And why?

Because of the deficit. We’ve got to cut the deficit. We’ve all got to cut our deficits.

Who says? Because the squid say.

But the squid… Not the squid….

Do you know how much we pay the squid every year? Just in debt interest. I won’t mention the squillion other ways they feed off us.  Just so the squid  will give us more lovely squid slime. The lovely squid slime that makes us all feel so good.

Do you mean borrowing for the deficit?

I mean the squid slime they feed us after they’ve taken our blood, our sweat and our tears.

But do we want to save the Euro?

Of course we do. The Euro’s a great idea. It means we can buy and sell things across Europe at a price we both understand. Both Greek and German. And we can do it more cheaply, because we don’t have to feed the squid to change our money.  Of course, the Greeks should never have been let in. But they paid the vampire squid, and it is now come back for more blood from the wound it helped to create.   And now they’re in, we need to help sort out the mess.  Which we can, for Greek and German, so long as the vampire squid stop sucking blood.

Well, I’m not convinced.

The Euro was a great idea, just badly executed.  By people who didn’t believe in the vampire squid.  So they didn’t build defences against them.  The squid hate the Euro, because it cuts out a whole stack of forex business.  They used to suck a whole load of blood out of trade within the Eurozone.   The squid smuggled Greece in. Like a Trojan Horse. What an explosive mix of metaphors we could have with that one.

But — we depend on the squid. We need their slime. It’s better than doing without.

First we have to stop feeding the squid. We must carefully cauterise the wound. Be more scientific about it than we were with Lehman Brothers.

I’m tellin’ ya, it’s too risky, man.

You’re listening to them. The slime has got to your brain. We’ll never recover while we’re in the squid’s embrace.

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